Every young person carries a quiet running commentary about themselves. Some of it is kind and fair. Some of it was picked up along the way, from somewhere none of us can quite place, and has simply never been questioned.
When that inner voice turns hard, it usually shows up softly. A teen who holds back from things they might not be good at. A young adult who apologizes out of habit. A lovely student who can’t quite take a compliment, and takes one difficult grade very much to heart.
Here’s the hopeful part. A sense of self-worth responds beautifully to real work. It isn’t fixed, and it isn’t who they are. It grows as the evidence around it grows.
Low self-esteem is rarely about one thing, and it’s almost never anyone’s fault.
More often, it’s a gathering of small moments. It might be years of feedback that landed as “not quite enough,” even when it was never meant that way. It might be ADHD or a learning difference, and the long trail of being told to try harder. Sometimes it’s comparison, made louder by a phone that always has more of it on offer, or seasons when love and achievement quietly got tangled together. It can come from looking different from the people around you and wondering where you fit, or from a friendship or relationship that shaped more than anyone realized at the time.
However it began, it makes sense, and it can change.
Mia Pankratov, LPCC, works with teens, adults, couples, and families. Confidence and identity are a particular focus of hers. She was adopted from China and raised here in Colorado, and she knows firsthand how much of a person’s sense of self gets built in the years when they have the fewest words for it.
A note for parents:
If you’ve told your teenager they’re wonderful and watched it bounce straight off, you’re not alone. It isn’t that they don’t want to hear it. It’s that it doesn’t match the quiet evidence they’ve been collecting about themselves.
What does reach them is specific and observed. “I saw how hard that was, and you did it anyway” lands differently than “you’re amazing,” because it points at something real they can’t argue with. That’s the same thing the counseling work does, just gently and with a great deal more repetition.
This might be a good fit if
Wanting your child to feel steadier in themselves is a lovely thing to want, and it’s very much something that can be built.